Simply Me

Ever feel the need for more?

As I face the coming year and the approach of having my first born with one foot out the door, along with a whole host of other things, I find myself wanting more. I want more than the same 'ol, same 'ol. I want to stop living a life where my days are simply a succession of hour after hour of the unextraordinary, monotonous daily grind.

You know:  where you get up, go to work (or not), do your 8 hours, come home, make dinner, fight over whose turn it is to do what, lament over the laundry that still isn't doing itself, look in dismay at how much work needs to be done around the house knowing that you have nothing left in you to deal with, etc. How you find yourself staring at the tv unseeing because that's the only thing you can physically and mentally manage. And as each day passes, with this daily scenario playing out, you realize in your heart and head that this is not an infinite life you lead. There is an end. And when you come to that end, what will you have to look back on?

When I contemplate that question, I find myself cringing. I am not happy with what I have to look back on so far. Sure, I have a great husband of 20+ years. Amazing kids whom I would give my life to save theirs. I am blessed with a nice, basic home. I have most creature comforts one could ask for in this day and age. Yet, I feel so unfulfilled and empty at times. Am I asking too much? Am I being foolish? Is this all there is and should be? 

I don't think so. I see others living lives that seem fuller and richer. And I am not talking about money or other material things AT ALL. Those other people I view with envy are actually some of the least materialistic people I know. I don't think the answer for me is to throw all my material possessions out the door. In fact, I will state right now that I will be keeping them thank you very much! 

I just want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing that the day ahead has promise and meaning. And when I close my eyes each night, know that I've done all *I* can to make it happen. That I just didn't shuffle my way through my day in the classic robotic fashion that has become the norm for me. 

So exactly how am I to achieve this? What is the first step? Where do I start? What has fueled this desire even more so right now?

This:   http://www.incourage.me/2011/01/come-take-the-dare-to-live-fully.html

I've been a member of the Bloom Book club for several books now although I haven't really participated up to now. This book however, got my attention and I mean *my full attention*. The very first chapter took my breath away. I cannot wait to see how the discussions build around each chapter during this session.

Let me know if you sign up to participate...side discussions would be really cool!

A tear jerker to go with your Saturday morning coffee

I was listening to my mp3 player yesterday at work. I had it set to play "all tracks" on shuffle.  As I worked to get everything done so I could enjoy the next two weeks off with peace of mind, a song started playing. I tend to listen with about 1/4 of my brain when I'm using it to give me background noise. This song got my attention though.

It was by Martin McBride and was from her 2003 album "Martina".  The song:  God's Will. 

How had I not heard this before now? It's so powerful and moving. It probably wouldn't surprise many of you that I was nearly sobbing by the end. 

I decided to share that joy with you :)  Get your tissues ready!!

 

I think He was speaking directly to me today

Those of you who have read this blog with some regularity may know that I am a "somewhat" religious person. I say "somewhat" because I'm not one to carry my faith around me like a placard. My spoken vocabulary is not filled with Bible versus, Hail Mary's, Thank You Jesus, or other comments of this nature. I'm just not comfortable with sharing my faith in this fashion. I have NO problems with others that do...let me make that emphatically clear. Each person has to determine for themselves how they're going to live and share their faith. 

Today, the Gospel at Mass came from Luke 10:38-42. It was about the story of the sisters, Martha and Mary. How during a visit from Jesus, Martha complains about how Mary is just sitting with Jesus instead of helping with all the normal womanly serving and other chores that were entirely "woman's work" in that time. Jesus responds that it is actually Mary who doing what she should be doing: stopping and listening to Him and His message.

Our deacon took this further in his homily. He reminded us that we, especially the women in attendance, spend so much time working, running, taking care of, doing, in an effort to take care of EVERYTHING and we rarely leave time to just be. To just be with ourselves, with our families and with our God. In doing this, we are not proving ourselves to be Super Women! but women who are cheating ourselves from the truly good things in life. 

It was a gentle admonishment, but one that I sorely needed to hear. I struggle so much with not being able to take care of it all. To do it all. I struggle that my house is often a mess. That I'm not giving 110% at the office. That I do everything with a heavy heart and often with a hint of anger and most definitely frustration. I berate myself for not being up at 5am and getting my day off with a good start by doing a load of laundry, taking care of the horses, grooming one or two, exercising, and heading off to work good and early for a change. I don't let myself off easy when I get home either. I should do another load of laundry, the bathroom needs cleaned, another horse should be groomed and exercised. Don't forget dinner! And spend some time with Tom and the kids in a meaningful way!

Is it any wonder that there is more times than not that I simply just curl into a figurative ball and do nothing? The overwhelming sense of failure, of hoplessness, of frustration leave me frozen in place.

For those of you who are very familiar with my personal situation, your first suggestions will be that I should demand that Tom and the kids do more. That they should pick up the slack and not leave everything to me. I've tried that. It works to a point. But none of them *care* about these things the way I do. And none will put in the effort to the degree that is necessary, most of the time. Thus, we have more frustration and irritability across the board. I've learned to ask for what I need, but to expect that I'll need to push every step of the way and learn to accept it done to a lesser point than I would do it. 

Improvements ARE being made in this area. Tom helps out so much more than he ever has. The kids are slowly getting better too. They just don't see the details as clearly as I do. I need to let a few of the details go. There is a happy middle ground here somewhere. I just have to keep working to find it.

What is it I'm trying to say here today? I heard the message loud and clear today, God. I can do better but I don't have to do it all. I can say...good enough. I can relax and enjoy. I can stop and appreciate. It's OKAY! 

TODAY'S PHOTO:

Sarah spent 8 days at camp last week. We picked her up yesterday and it was a shock to see just how tall Casey is getting when compared to her! If our measurements are correct, he's grown ANOTHER 3/4" since *May*. That's about 3" since December!  Sarah is 5' 1ish" for comparison purposes :)

 

The First Sunday of Advent - 2009

Tonight, during and after dinner, we celebrated the first Sunday of Advent. I found a nice, reflective article to read while we ate:  Advent Article.

 
 

After dinner, Casey lit the candle, we read the Scripture reading for this week and said a prayer. Tom especially looks forward to doing this each Christmas season and I wanted to make a special effort this year as part of our month long focused celebration of the season.

We even had a family dinner at the table and everything! Having the table out in middle of the dining room (as opposed to having it with one leaf down and against the wall) helps facilitate this. 

Other than that, it was a calm and relaxing day. Well, with the exception of when I spent 2 hours grooming this week's mud off the horses. I am afraid to see what the weather forecast is for this week because I'm so hoping there is no rain for a long time. It's nice to be able to walk out to the barn and not slip and slide the whole way in mud that's at least 3" deep!

I also spent time building our December '09 holiday scrapbook album. After a consistently (for me) slow start, I am making better time at the newest pages. Of course, I'm just now on Day 4...so I need to pick it up some more :) 

I'll start posting them daily on Wednesday....don't forget to check back to see. If I do say so myself, they're look quite good!

This really spoke to me when I read it this morning

When I give to others, remind me dear Lord, that it is just a return for what you have given me.

— from Songs of Our Hearts, Meditations of Our Souls 

Hmmm...that worked

This may come as a "duh" to some of you and others may find yourself rolling your eyes. Still, there will be some reading this who will begin to wonder if they shouldn't give it a try.

Remember how I said I really wanted to make a committment to "do this Lenten thing". Well, I finally got it in gear this week.  I've been observing fasting on Fridays. And making it to Mass (with the exception of when I was sick the other week).  

This week, I made the effort to get up a bit earlier to do some reading and meditation and prayer to get my day started off on the right foot.  I also kept a watchful eye open for those "triggers" that I allow to spoil my moods or having me doing inappropriate things (i.e., cursing and rising to a very hot anger in a flash).  

Guess what?  I had a great week.  I ended most days in a very calm, cheerful disposition. I don't think I had as many terse words with anyone in this house.  A few? Yeah...it's hard to break those long held bad habits! 

While I'm still over my head in dozens of things that need done (work, home, softball, religious education, family life stuff), I don't feel as stressed about it all.  When I start feeling stressed, I stop myself and breath.  And pray. Until I feel the stress move away. M head is then clear to think through the problem and come up with a solution or let it go. Sometimes the answer isn't to DO something but to just let it go.  

All of these things I have heard of and even believed to be true but could never seem to put it into practice for myself. Will this work forever? For the long term?  I don't know. I just know that I'll continue this for another week and see what happens from there.

From today's Lenten Activity email:  

Invite family members to spend a whole day not using the pronoun "me" or "I." This will call attention to how much time you focus on yourself. It might be painful but enlightening.

Does using "I" or "me" in your blog count?  :-)